No Longer a Dream Read online

  That reckless light she had seen in Luke's eyes, that affinity she had briefly felt with him. She hadn't guessed it was because of anything like this!

  'Luke has been blaming the whole world for my illness, I'm afraid,' Lucien sighed sadly. 'Including Caleb.'

  It explained so much: Luke's disrespect for his father, his bouts of temper, his viciousness, his outright cruelty on occasion. She had seen all that in Luke's face that day, just as yesterday she had seen death in this man's face, she just hadn't put the two facts together.

  'I had no idea…' she groaned. 'I tried to find him last night to apologise—'

  'Any apologies that need to be made should come from him,' his grandfather rasped. 'He's acted disgracefully where you're concerned.'

  'I didn't understand.' She shook her head.

  'There's no excuse for what he did to you,' Lucien insisted sternly. 'It could have turned out so much worse than it has.'

  'Even so—'

  'Even so nothing, my dear,' he cut in firmly. 'I told him exactly what I thought of his actions when he came to see me last night. Hopefully he's come to his senses now.'

  She certainly hoped so, no matter how it had been achieved. The self-destructive course Luke had been on could only have ended one way if he wasn't stopped, as it almost had when he had driven off the bridge and only succeeded in breaking his leg.

  'As to what you do about the things I've told you about Sonia and I, I leave that entirely up to you,' Lucien dismissed.

  'You want me to print it? About the fire, everything?' Her eyes were wide.

  His gaze was steady. 'I. want you to do what you think best.'

  'But—'

  'Whatever you think best, Cat,' he repeated firmly.

  She swallowed hard, knowing she couldn't possibly make public his confidences, that it was too personal and private to this man and his family. 'Lucien, I—what is it?' She suddenly realised he had become very pale, almost grey. 'Mr Steele?' she said sharply, moving across the short distance that separated them, clasping his hands as they lay limply against his leg, shocked at how cold they were considering the warmth in the room.

  'I'm—sorry—you—had to—see this,' he choked.

  'Oh dear God…!' She looked about her frantically as she realised what was happening, knowing she had to get help for him but frightened of leaving him alone like this.

  'Get—Caleb,' he managed to gasp between stiff lips, 'He knows—what to do.'

  'But you—'

  'Get him, Cat,' he choked. 'And please try to include Luke—in your—love for my son. They're going to—need you.'

  'Lucien, no—'

  'Please—get—Caleb,' he gasped again.

  She ran from the suite and down the corridor to Caleb's room. He had just finished dressing, his eyes darkening warmly as she burst into the room.

  'Good morning, sweetheart.' His voice was huskily indulgent. 'You should have woken me—'

  'Caleb, it's your father,' she cut in forcefully, his lazy expression turning to one of watchful intensity. 'We were talking when suddenly he— Caleb, you have to go to him!' Her panic increased. 'He just collapsed.'

  He pushed past her out of the room, running down the corridor to rush through the door that Cat had left open in her rush to find assistance.

  Cat followed, watching as he examined his father as he still sat in the chair, his cheeks appearing hollow now, his eyes seeming to have sunk into his head as he looked at his son.

  Cat had never felt so helpless in her life, standing numbly just inside the doorway, looking dully at Norm as he appeared behind her.

  'I heard shouting,' he explained, quickly taking in the scene across the room. 'Caleb—'

  His employer turned to him with fierce eyes as he tried to make his father more comfortable. 'Get her out of here,' he bit out tautly.

  'But—'

  'Just get her out, Norm,' he instructed savagely. 'And then call the doctor and find Luke. At this time of morning the latter shouldn't be too difficult!' he rasped.

  Cat looked at him searchingly, before she was led away by Norm. She wasn't looking for love, certainly not that warm desire of a short time ago, but surely there should have been some sort of understanding pass between them, a searching and giving of the compassion she so longed to give him. Caleb had just coldly turned away.

  She leant into Norm's side as he led her back to her bedroom, wanting to be with Caleb during this anxious time, but knowing he had rejected any feeling of closeness they might have had when he had ordered Norm to take her away from him. Lucien had been wrong, Caleb didn't love her, he couldn't if he wouldn't let her be at his side now, when he needed someone so badly.

  The doctor arrived a short time later. Cat heard his car in the driveway and went to the window to watch him enter the house. She had little else to do but watch the comings and goings to the house during the morning, no one feeling the need to come and tell her what was happening, or how Lucien was.

  She refused Mrs McDonald's offer of lunch, the older woman telling her that the doctor was coming back later to see Lucien, that Caleb and Luke were sitting with him.

  Norman Bruce came to her room shortly after the other woman had left.

  He looked strained, older somehow, although Cat couldn't quite have said in what way. 'Do you have your case packed?' he enquired briskly.

  Her eyes widened. 'Why, yes. But—how's Lucien?' she frowned.

  'Holding his own,' he bit out tersely. 'The car is waiting for us outside, if you're ready to go.'

  The arrangement had been for her to leave after lunch on Sunday, and she had packed her case before dinner last night with that in mind, but after Lucien's collapse she hadn't given it another thought. 'You can't mean me to leave now?' she protested.

  'Why not?'

  'Lucien!' she reminded him in an exasperated voice.

  'Cat,' Norm spoke gently now. 'It's Caleb's orders that you go. Now.'

  She felt as if he had struck her in the chest, physically knocked all the breath from her body, leaving her weak and aching with a pain that wasn't in the least physical. 'Why?' she choked.

  Norm shrugged. 'He just told me to take you back to London. I'm not paid to ask why, Cat.'

  He sighed at the distress she couldn't hide. 'Honey, it's best that you leave,' he encouraged gently.

  It wasn't best for her, so it had to be best for Caleb. He didn't want her in his home or his life. 'I'm ready.' She stood up numbly.

  Norm gave her a searching look, seeming to wish there were something he could say to comfort her, and finding there was nothing he could say.

  They both maintained their own troubled silence as they left the house, during the drive to the airport, and on the flight back to London, Cat having no interest this time in the brightly lit city in dusk's early glow.

  'Thank you.' She stopped inside the airport, looking up at Norm with pained eyes.

  'Caleb told me to take you all the way home,' he told her ruefully.

  'I don't give a damn—' She broke off, her eyes flashing deeply green, the fire fading from their depths as she saw the unshakable determination in his face. 'I can easily get a taxi from here,' she informed him dully.

  'There's a car waiting for us outside.' He kept a firm hold of her case as he strode purposefully towards the exit.

  Cat almost had to run to keep up with him, keeping her face averted once they were in the car so that he shouldn't see just how upset she was, having difficulty holding back the tears now.

  'Cat.' Norm finally touched her hand, holding on to it as she would have flinched away.

  'Have you done this sort of thing before?'

  She turned on him angrily, pulling her hand away.

  He frowned. 'What sort of thing?'

  She swallowed down her shame at the accusation she had been about to make. Of course he didn't usually escort the women from Caleb's life, there had been extenuating circumstances. And she doubted if normally she would have been put out of Cal
eb's life quite this abruptly; he just had no use for her during his father's illness.

  'It doesn't matter.' She shook her head. 'Please convey how sorry I am about Lucien to—to the family,' she amended gruffly.

  'I'll do that.' He squeezed her hand. 'And I'm sure Caleb will be in touch as soon as he can.'

  'Did he say that?' she pounced eagerly.

  'Well—no. But—'

  The hope faded from her eyes, and she turned away to see the car was stopping outside the house she and Vikki shared. 'Thanks for bringing me home,' she told Norm brightly. 'I suppose you'll be returning to Scotland now?'

  'Yes,' he acknowledged softly.

  'I'm sorry you were given this task,' she sighed. 'I'm sure the last thing you wanted to do was leave there now to bring me home.'

  'I'll let you know when—what happens.,' he amended huskily.

  'I'd like it if you could,' she nodded, getting out of the car.

  She didn't wait outside to watch the car leave, walking into the house as if in a dream, barely aware of the voices in the lounge, although she assumed it was Vikki and Sam. Dropping her suitcase down on her bed she sat down beside it, burying her face in her hands as she wept. She wept for Lucien, although she knew he spoke the truth when he said he would be relieved when he was finally granted release to join Sonia. And she cried for Caleb, the man whom she loved more than anything and anyone in the world. She even cried for Luke, and she hoped that he and Caleb would finally find each other in their shared worry over Lucien.

  'I thought I heard—hey,' Vikki's pleasure turned to concern as she saw how upset Cat was. 'What's happened?' She came down on her haunches beside the bed.

  Cat couldn't hold back any more, everything tumbling out, the whole traumatic weekend.

  'He's just worried about his father,' Vikki soothed when she heard of the way Caleb had ordered her departure.

  She shook her head. 'I tried to tell myself that,' she choked. 'But it was more than that, he just didn't want me there.'

  'I'm sure you're wrong—'

  'Then why am I here and he's there coping with this alone?' she demanded shakily.

  Vikki chewed on her bottom lip. 'Look.' She straightened. 'I don't know all the details of last night—and I don't want to,' she added hastily as Cat blushed. 'But I do think you're over-reacting because you're tired and upset. I'm going to get you a nice cup of tea, and after you've drunk it you're going to have a nap—'

  'I couldn't sleep,' she gasped.

  'A cup of tea and then some rest,' Vikki insisted firmly. 'I'll listen out for the telephone, just in case this Norm calls,' she added gently.

  Cat obediently drank the tea Vikki brought her, sure she wouldn't be able to sleep as she lay down on the bed. But her exhausted body had other ideas about that, and it was the ringing of the telephone that finally woke her. She woke with a start at the first ring, hearing Vikki pick up the receiver downstairs before she rang through to the extension in the bedroom.

  'For you, Cat,' she told her gently before putting the call through.

  Cat moistened suddenly dry lips. 'Norm?' 'Luke,' his youthful voice instantly corrected.

  She swallowed hard; he was the last person she had been expecting. 'Is—has—?'

  'He's gone, Cat,' he said gruffly. 'Quite peacefully in the end. I—I thought you would like to know. Norm said you had asked him to call, and I—well, I'm not very good at apologising, but—'

  'Please,' she cut in shakily. 'It isn't necessary,' she dismissed. 'I—I'm so sorry about your grandfather.' She may have only known him a short time but she had grown fond of the elderly man.

  'Yes,' he acknowledged sadly.

  The shock of Luke being the one to telephone her, after waking so suddenly, had thrown her completely off-guard, and she had trouble thinking straight. 'I'm sure it's too soon for you to know when it will be, but I—I'd like to come to the funeral. If no one would mind,' she added hesitantly.

  'The funeral is tentatively arranged for Friday. It's going to be up here because Grandpop loved the place so much.' He paused. 'And, I'm afraid—it's for family only.'

  He really sounded as if he genuinely hated to rebuff her, and Cat didn't need to ask who had made that decision. 'I understand,' she accepted abruptly. 'And I really am sorry about your grandfather.'

  'Yes.'

  'Thank you for letting me know, I'm sure there are a lot of other things you have to do.'

  'None quite as important,' he told her with sincerity.

  'If there's anything I can do—of course there isn't,' she dismissed awkwardly.

  'Cat, for what it's worth I think Dad is wrong to shut you out like this,' he rasped. 'I tried to reason with him, but he's adamant.'

  'It's all right,' she assured him firmly, the pain in her chest ten times worse than it had been earlier. 'I'll send some flowers instead. If that's all right?' she asked anxiously. Surely Caleb couldn't object to that?

  'Of course,' Luke assured her softly. 'He liked pansies. He always said they reminded him of grandmother's eyes,' he recalled emotionally. 'Look, I'd better go now, Cat.' He fought to retain control until the call had finished. 'I just wanted to be the one to let you know.'

  She thanked him once again before ringing off.

  Caleb. She had taken him, as he had asked her to do, and he had rejected her and the love that could have shared his pain at the loss of his father.

  CHAPTER TEN

  The saying 'life goes on' appeared to be a true one; life did indeed go on, but for Cat it had never been so grey. The day of the funeral arrived and she sent her flowers, the pansies Luke had suggested, and her heart cried out to be with Caleb at a time when he needed those that loved him by his side.

  She had heard nothing from him, hadn't really expected to, knew that he had to be very busy after his father's sudden death, knowing he had probably forgotten her existence in the trauma of the last few days. From the many reports on television and in the newspapers about the family, they had known no peace.

  Maybe it was selfish to dwell on her own unhappiness in the circumstances, but she knew Lucien had wanted her to be with Caleb, and she missed and loved Caleb more than she had ever thought she could care for a man again, hadn't been able to stop the love she felt for him from blossoming and growing until it filled her whole life. Losing Harry had been horrific, but at least she had had the comfort of knowing he loved her as she loved him; what she felt for Caleb was soul-destroying in its futility.

  For years she had been afraid to love again in case she lost that second love as she had the first, but she was finding that to love Caleb and not have that love returned was worse than losing Harry the way that she had. If Lucien were here to ask her again, 'how would you feel if Caleb died tomorrow?' she wouldn't hesitate to answer him truthfully this time; Caleb may not be dead, but he was as far removed from her as if he were, and she felt like dying herself!

  The news report of the funeral that evening did nothing to dispel those feelings of despair, Deanna Trent clinging daintily to Caleb's arm at the graveside, the beauty of her face half-revealed by the black lace veil of her hat. She looked delicate and tragic, and she was obviously still considered very much a part of the 'family only' Luke had mentioned.

  Caleb looked grim, older by ten years as he held the grief-stricken Luke to his side, his arm about his son's shoulders.

  Cat felt as if she intruded upon a very private moment, getting up to switch off the television set, restlessly pacing the room.

  'I've got to get out,' she finally decided, 'I've got to go and see Susan some time this weekend, so I might as well go over now. And then tomorrow I could arrange to go down to my parents for the weekend.'

  Vikki frowned as Cat pulled on her jacket. 'I'm sure the fact that his ex-wife was at the funeral didn't mean a thing,' she consoled gently. 'She hasn't been married to number five all that long!'

  'Deanna Trent has nothing to do with my wanting to go out,' she defended.

  'Doesn't she
?' Vikki sighed as Cat's expression remained stubborn. 'Love, the man's had a frantic week, I'm sure he'll come and see you once everything has settled down a little.'

  'No, he won't,' she denied dully. 'People are usually drawn together by tragedy, not pulled apart. It's over,' she added briskly. 'And now I have to pick up the pieces and get on with my life.'

  'Again.'

  She looked sharply at her friend. 'What do you mean?'

  'Cat, you may not be able to do it a second time. Losing Harry almost killed you; I'm afraid for you this time,' Vikki admitted with blunt honesty.

  'There's no need,' she shook her head. 'I'll survive.'

  'Will you?'

  'Yes!' She would survive because she had to, because she had no choice. Life didn't just end because it was willed to do so. And she knew that before her pain was over she would will it many times, as Lucien had because of Sonia.

  Once she got out of the house she knew she didn't feel up to going to her sister's, to putting a brave face on everything, to being part of that happy family unit that belonged to Sue, Daniel and Josh. And so she walked, everywhere and nowhere it seemed, oblivious to the biting wind ripping into her.

  Where was Caleb now? Was his ex-wife with him? Were Luke and his parents sharing a quiet family dinner together somewhere?

  Oh God, the torment of not knowing was like nothing else she had ever known! She was jealous just at the thought of Caleb being with another woman when she so desperately wanted to be with him herself. It must have been obvious the night she had spent in his arms that she was falling in love with him, and she had thought, had hoped, that he felt the same way.

  'Where have you been?' Vikki demanded as soon as she entered the house.

  'I—'

  'And don't tell me you've been to Susan's because I called there,' Vikki accused, impatiently helping Cat off with her coat before hanging it up.

  'I went for a walk instead.' She frowned at Vikki's unwarranted aggression.