Elusive Lover Page 11

  ‘Forgiven me yet?’ he asked softly.

  She turned away, walking back to the bed, glad of the cup of coffee to hold on to. ‘There’s nothing to forgive. You merely retaliated when I hit you.’

  ‘I wasn’t talking about the slap, either of them. I certainly deserved mine, and you—well, you probably didn’t deserve yours, but I thought you were going to get hysterical when you realised what I’d done.’

  Her mouth twisted mockingly. ‘A classic excuse.’

  ‘Do you think you deserved it?’

  Her head went back proudly, and she looked him straight in the eye. ‘Undoubtedly.

  Josh gave a half smile. ‘You’re letting me off lightly. I’ve never hit a woman before, but you made me so angry. I expected you to be sulking in here for days.’

  Erin shook her head, drinking the cooling coffee. ‘That isn’t my way. Besides, I’m not going to be here for days.’ ‘Two weeks——’

  ‘No,’ she cut in firmly. ‘You might as well know that I’m leaving—now. Today. I did intend just creeping off

  without telling you, but——’

  ‘That isn’t your way either,’ he taunted. ‘There’s no need for you to go, Erin. I’ve told you I won’t ask for a sexual relationship, and I won’t.’

  She put the empty cup down. ‘Perhaps that’s as well,’ she said dryly. ‘But that isn’t the reason I’m leaving. Everything you said about me this morning was true. I’d given up, decided that if trading my body was the way to get back home then that was what I’d do.’ She turned away. ‘It was a disgusting—and degrading—thing to do.’

  ‘Erin——’

  ‘Please, let me finish. I agreed to your proposition——’

  ‘Which I only made because I thought you were experienced,’ he put in softly.

  ‘And which I only accepted because I felt desperate. I was lost and alone, and you seemed to be offering me the hand of friendship, even if it was for a price. And—and I also—I needed——’

  ‘I know, Erin,’ Josh gathered her into his arms, stroking her hair as he held her against his chest. ‘You were badly in need of someone to care for you. I knew that, and yet I’ve still hurt you.’

  ‘No——’

  ‘Yes,’ he insisted, ‘I have hurt you. And I didn’t mean to.’ He sighed, choosing his next words carefully. ‘From the moment I met you I sensed your need for someone to care about you. God, you admitted as much to me. And I would have taken care of you. I would have slept with you, made love to you, given you the love and attention you needed in that way.’

  She noticed he used the past tense. Could it be that he too had decided she couldn’t stay here?

  ‘Yesterday——’ he continued, ‘well, yesterday you took me to the edge and then threw cold water over me, literally. It had all happened so naturally, so beautifully—or at least I thought it had.’ He gave a rueful shrug. ‘Then you told me about Bob being your stepfather! And I knew you were telling me more than that, were trying to let me know there’d been no one else. I just saw red. Not because of the frustration I was suffering—and God knows that was agony! I was angry because of the way you’d cheapened yourself. You asked if making you pose was a lesson like this morning—well, in a way it was. You didn’t like what I did to you, hated it when I touched you——’

  ‘You knew I hated it!’ she gasped.

  ‘Of course I knew,’ he dismissed impatiently. ‘But I enjoyed knowing. It showed me that you did still respect yourself. When you got up and dressed I could have kissed you!’

  ‘I’m glad you didn’t,’ she swallowed hard. ‘I probably would have hit you sooner.’

  ‘But you’re over all that now, aren’t you?’ he probed gently.

  ‘I—I think so.’

  ‘Then there’s no reason for you to leave. We can start again, as friends. How would you like that?’

  She knew that once this man had given his hand in friendship he would never take it back, but nevertheless she had reservations of it working out. ‘I don’t think——’

  ‘I’ll never hit you again, Erin,’ Josh interrupted softly. ‘I truly believe that only happened because we were both suffering from frustration. Whether you realise it or not, and being the baby you are you probably don’t, you can’t go that far in lovemaking without there being a build-up of sexual tension. By hitting each other I believe we’ve dispensed with that tension.’

  Erin gave a jerky smile. ‘Is making love that bad?’

  ‘No,’ Josh gave a husky laugh. ‘Between the two right people it can be beautiful. Last night just wasn’t the right time for us.’

  She didn’t like his implication that there would be a ‘right’ time for them. And had it been beautiful between him and Sharon? The way he talked about the other woman she had a feeling it had been.

  ‘I’m still not sure——’

  ‘Of course you are,’ he told her briskly. ‘I won’t hear of your leaving. Besides,’ he added with a grin, ‘what would I do with two tickets to London?’

  She gave a half-smile. ‘There is that.’

  ‘Good. It’s settled, then. Now, how about the lunch you refused earlier?’

  ‘I am hungry,’ she admitted, ‘but——’

  ‘But nothing,’ he dismissed. ‘Bacon and eggs coming up!’

  ‘Josh.’

  The firmness of her tone arrested him in the doorway. ‘Yes?’ he asked warily.

  ‘I won’t pose for the painting, not even if it was going to be called Innocence.’

  He nodded acknowledgement. ‘It’s a deal.’

  Her eyes narrowed at his easy acceptance. He might have set out to humiliate her this morning, but he had been serious about the painting, she was sure of that. ‘Josh?’ she questioned suspiciously, even more so as he gave her a look of feigned innocence. ‘What are you up to?’ she asked slowly.

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘Josh!’

  ‘Well . . . it just so happens that I have total recall,’ he grinned before leaving the room, once again starting that tuneless whistle.

  She ran to the door, at once wishing she hadn’t as her stiff legs and thighs protested at such treatment. ‘Josh!’ she called in exasperation.

  ‘Mm?’ He turned, a mischievous glitter to his eyes.

  ‘Oh, nothing! Except—except that isn’t fair,’ she told him crossly. ‘You really can remember everything?’ she frowned, blushing profusely.

  ‘Everything,’ he laughed at her discomfort. ‘In Technicolor.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘It’s helpful in my profession.’

  ‘I suppose so,’ she muttered.

  ‘One meal coming up,’ he teased.

  ‘Shouldn’t I be doing that?’ she offered grudgingly, not liking the idea of Josh being able to recall her nakedness, vividly, every time he wanted to. Not that she had forgotten the perfection of his body either, the tanned broadness of his shoulders, tapered waist, and powerful thighs, his legs long and muscular.

  He shrugged. ‘Part of my peace offering.’

  ‘Okay,’ she accepted. ‘I just want to get changed.’

  ‘You look fine as you are.’

  ‘I’m sticky,’ she insisted.

  ‘Suit yourself,’ he shrugged.

  Their relationship had changed already, she could tell that. Before Josh’s attitude had been slightly possessive, even dictatorial; now he treated her as an equal, as someone whose opinions and thoughts were important enough to listen to. It was a good feeling.

  Even though she had been looking forward to her meal, was feeling hungry, she still couldn’t eat all of it. ‘It was lovely,’ she assured Josh.

  He was frowning darkly. ‘It’s your first meal of the day, you should have eaten more than that.’ He cleaned her plate and put it into the dishwasher.

  ‘I told you——’

  ‘That you never eat much,’ he finished grimly. ‘I don’t like it, Erin. I don’t like it at all.’

  ‘I can’t help it—
—’

  ‘I know you can’t. Which makes it all the more worrying.’

  She gave an impatient sigh. ‘You aren’t really serious about this anorexia nervosa?’

  ‘I am,’ he nodded curtly. ‘If you haven’t started eating normally before the end of this two weeks I’m taking you to a doctor.’

  ‘I—’

  ‘It’s no good arguing, Erin,’ he told her in a firm voice. ‘I’ll do it, whether you want it or not.’

  She could see that he would too. She felt a warm glow at his concern, and it was a genuine concern. But she had gone so long now with only small meals, or no meal at all, that it was bound to take time to build up a normal appetite again.

  ‘I’m really all right, Josh,’ she assured him as he still frowned.

  ‘You’re going to be,’ he nodded. ‘It isn’t too late for you. You’re thin, but not like——’ he broke off, turning away. ‘Let’s go outside, you can help me do the garden.’

  ‘Not like . . .?’ Erin prompted, sensing some deep hurt.

  He drew in a deep breath, looking at her with pained eyes. ‘I knew someone who had that disease—and it is a disease, a sickness like everything else in this damned fashion-conscious, body-conscious world!’ His tone was savage. ‘Anorexia nervosa is a disease caused by society, and it kills!’

  ‘Josh——’

  He swung away from her. ‘Let’s go outside,’ he rasped.

  Erin followed him slowly, Sheba at his heels. Josh’s anger, his pain, were so strong, so deep-felt, that she knew with sudden clarity that the sufferer from anorexia nervosa that he was so impassioned about was Sharon; it had to be Sharon. That pretty dark-haired girl in the photograph at Dave’s, and the painting in Josh’s studio, had killed herself because of the diet disease.

  ‘Josh!’ She had followed him out to the garage where he seemed to be in the process of starting a small tractor. ‘What on earth is that?’ she asked, momentarily sidetracked.

  ‘A lawnmower.’ He gave a tight smile.

  ‘Lazy!’ she shook her head.

  ‘So would you be if it took you a week to cut the lawn with an ordinary hand-mower. I almost broke my back the only time I tried that.’

  ‘Josh,’ she put a hand on his arm, ‘tell me about Sharon.’

  ‘Sharon?’ He looked startled. ‘But——’

  ‘Tell me about her, please.’

  ‘Maybe I should at that,’ he rasped. ‘Maybe shock treatment is what you need.’

  She didn’t contradict him, but let him talk, listening in silence as he spoke of the woman he had loved.

  ‘She was twenty-three, Erin, just twenty-three,’ he said in a harsh voice. ‘Beautiful to look at, and so full of life. Even as a child ’

  ‘As a child?’ Erin frowned her puzzlement.

  He nodded. ‘She was a beautiful baby. Everybody loved her. And my mama was so proud of her——’

  ‘Your mother? Sharon was your sister?’ she realised wonderingly.

  ‘Well, of course—Hey,’ he gave her a searching look, ‘what did you think she was? You thought—you thought— My God, she was going to marry Dave!’

  ‘I know, but I——’

  ‘You thought I wasn’t averse to taking my best friend’s fiancée from him.’ Josh’s mouth twisted with distaste. ‘That’s some opinion you have of me, lady!’

  ‘Oh, Josh, I didn’t mean——’

  ‘I know exactly what' you meant, Erin,’ he said disgustedly, ‘and I’m not flattered.’

  She gave a sigh of exasperation. ‘No one explained your relationship to Sharon. How was I supposed to know you were her brother?’

  ‘You could have asked, damn you!’

  That Josh was furious with her she had no doubt, that he had reason to be she wasn’t so sure. She wasn’t psychic, she couldn’t possibly have known that Sharon was his sister. And she had no idea why it made her feel good to know that. Maybe it was because she felt relieved to know Josh hadn’t betrayed his friend after all. Yes, that had to be the reason she suddenly felt so lighthearted.

  ‘And you could have told me, damn you!’ she snapped back at him, holding her breath as she waited for his reaction.

  He gave her an impatient look. ‘I—You—Oh hell!’ He scowled at her.

  She quirked a hopeful eyebrow at him, sensing a lessening of his anger. ‘Hell, what?’

  ‘Just hell.’ He pulled a face, shrugging his resignation. ‘Okay, so no one told you I was Sharon’s brother. And you didn’t ask.’

  ‘I didn’t think it was any of my business,’ she dared to add.

  ‘It wasn’t, it still isn’t. Except that I don’t take other people’s girls from them, especially my best friend.’

  ‘I thought you loved her. After all, we can’t choose who we love.’

  ‘Too true.’ His mouth twisted mockingly. ‘If we could we would all end up with Mr and Miss Right.’

  ‘The world might be less complicated.’

  ‘And more boring,’ Josh added dryly.

  ‘Maybe,’ she conceded. ‘I—Do you want to tell me about Sharon, or would you rather not?’

  ‘I think I’d better. I went to school with Dave, it was through me that the two of them met. Sharon fell in love with him when she was sixteen years old, and I think he felt the same way. But she was still a kid, whereas he was already twenty-five. He spoke to my mother and father about his feelings, told them he wanted to marry her, and they told him they wanted her to finish her education, college, the whole bit. I suppose they thought they were doing the right thing at the time.’

  ‘But you don’t think so,’ Erin put in softly.

  ‘Hell, I couldn’t wait seven years to marry the girl I loved! But I guess Dave’s made of sterner stuff than me. He agreed with them, agreed to keep his feelings to himself until Sharon was older.’ He shrugged. ‘Sharon finished school, then she went on to college, as planned.’

  ‘And when she came home Dave asked her to marry him.’ It sounded a romantic story, which made it all the stranger that Sharon had taken her own life.

  ‘Yes,’Josh confirmed. ‘Except that Sharon already had this dieting sickness. I think she wanted Dave to be interested in her, didn’t know that he already loved her, and she thought that by being slimmer she would get his attention. None of us knew about it, we just put the loss of weight down to working too hard. Then when Dave asked her to marry him she seemed to put some of the weight back on. Everything seemed okay, until she decided she had to be thinner for her wedding dress. Oh, she seemed happy enough, very much in love, looking forward to the wedding, and none of us guessed what was really wrong with her.’ His voice broke emotionally. ‘She didn’t realise she was sick, that this obsessive dieting——’

  ‘Don’t tell me any more if you’d rather not,’ Erin gently touched his arm. ‘I think I can guess the rest.’

  ‘Yes,’ he sighed heavily, ‘I suppose you can. My mother and father still haven’t got over the shock. And you’ve seen Dave. I guess we all blame ourselves for not realising——’

  ‘But you couldn’t have known,’ she protested. ‘They hide it so well.’

  ‘Yes. But it doesn’t make it any easier to bear, knowing that she took her own life because she was so damned scared of getting fat.’

  ‘I don’t have that, Josh,’ she assured him softly. ‘Really, I don’t. I’ve just been too tired to eat. You’ll see, after two weeks of eating properly I’ll be back to my normal chubby self.’

  ‘If you say so. But I’m still going to be keeping a close watch on you.’

  Erin could understand his concern. The dieting disease was something doctors had only recently accepted as an actual disease, something that needed to be treated like any other sickness. There had been several television programmes on the subject in England just before she left, and the tragedy of it was that these people just couldn’t help themselves, even though a lot of them wanted to.

  ‘Hey, are we going to do this gardening or not?’ She
attempted lightness, promising herself that she would make sure she ate in future if only to reassure Josh.

  ‘We are,’ he picked up her mood. ‘You pull out the weeds and I’ll cut the lawn.’

  She frowned. ‘I think I came out worse in that deal.’

  Josh shook his head. ‘Sheba is going to help you. She likes to weed. Well, actually, she likes to dig holes, but she usually gets rid of a few weeds at the same time.’

  She was getting used to the huge dog, although she was still wary of her. The two of them did the weeding while Josh drove up and down on the smooth lawn, his thoughts far away, from the look on his face.

  Erin hadn’t meant to bring back unhappy memories for him, and so for the rest of the day she set out to be entertaining, knowing she had succeeded in putting Sharon from his mind as they spent a quiet evening together.

  Josh looked at her closely. ‘You look tired, why don’t you go to bed?’

  The mention of being tired made her yawn, a reflex action. ‘I think I might just do that. Working for Mike was hard work, but today has been rather hectic too. What are you smiling about?’ she asked suspiciously as he grinned.

  ‘How English you sound. It’s really rather attractive,’ he mimicked her accent.

  Erin gave him a look of disgust. ‘I hate to be teased— and you seem to do little else.’

  ‘Sorry,’ but he didn’t look in the least repentant. ‘But I can’t help it if I find your English accent sexy.’

  She blushed anew, and stood up. ‘I’m going to bed!’ His mocking laughter followed her out of the room.

  Josh really was impossible! She never knew from one moment to the next what he was going to say—and it was usually outrageous!

  She almost collapsed into bed when she reached her room, not willing to admit it, but her body seemed to have stiffened up from her horse ride and the gardening. She must be terribly out of condition for her legs and back to ache like this.

  But it was the tender skin on her inner thighs that felt the worst. They felt deeply bruised, although they didn’t look it, and the skin seemed to be burning. She had been in agony for the last hour or so, but she hadn’t been willing to admit her discomfort to Josh.

  She felt so sore it was impossible to sleep, so she moved restlessly about in the bed, wondering what she could possibly put on her legs to soothe away the burning pain.